30 Jul Reframing comparison and taking back joy.
Not letting comparison steal your joy is a heavy ask. It’s something most of us, if not all of us, struggle with… until.
Lately I’ve thrown myself head first into researching what another businesswoman is doing so I could learn from her. She’s super successful at what she does. By using what I’ve learned the last few weeks, I am grateful for her, her talents and her skills, instead of secretly wishing her Instagram account would implode.
Thinking everyone is better than me was something I excelled at. My mother used to tell me things like “you better marry for money because you’ll never amount to anything.” You can probably imagine the rest. She armed me with enough weapons to use against myself and anyone else’s words were extra icing.
Maybe you’ve felt that way too, then you’re faced with all the perfection online and the success that those other women have. You start to hear those voices telling you that there isn’t enough room for you, you couldn’t possibly do what she does, and her house, her hair, her clothes, her everything is perfect. And you, you’re still wondering why you’re holding on to the size 8’s, trying to understand the balance between taking a real picture of you and how much is an acceptable amount of mess behind you before things seem weird. If you have kids, you know that there’s always some totally random thing that was randomly left somewhere.
So you stop. You don’t take the picture. You delete the post. You put your phone away. You’re feeling so frustrated because why the hell can’t I just do this?! and you spit something at the kids that sounds like didn’t-I-ask-you-three-hours-ago-to-pick-this-stuff-up, and then you feel like absolute crap because it’s not their fault.
Until tomorrow, when the cycle happens again.
I found a few things that are working for me and helped me shift that comparison mindset. Valor up and read on.
A couple of weeks ago I was reading The Science of Getting Rich by Wallace D. Wattles. He explained that most people fail because while they’re performing actions that are in line with their goals, their mind is focused on another place from another time. Spoiler alert – it’s usually negative thoughts. The ones that scream You Can’t.
So while writing and updating my website I’m thinking “no one wants to read what I’m writing. They won’t think it’s valuable.” That’s the mindset I had while doing something towards my goals. How crazy is that?
Whatever intention you’re putting out there is what you’re going to get in return. Your thoughts have to be in line with your vision and purpose. At. All. Times. If you want to know how important it is to control your state (of mind), do some watching of Tony Robbins and his priming exercise. So freaking good.
The very next day after learning that huge nugget, I was totally in the zone, talking to a friend of mine about my vision and my goals. A negative thought flashed into my mind. I held it there. Then in the very next second I recognized my disconnect. Here I am talking about something I’m excited about and something that made me feel like crap popped up. Has that ever happened to you?
That awareness let me let go of the thought and dismiss it as a lie. Because it is.
We are what we think about.
You know when you’re online and you see Little Miss Perfect and you hurt yourself with “why can’t I do ______, why can’t I have ______?” it feels like crap right?
You can never be that which you despise.
What if you could reframe the thought? Instead of looking at her and seeing what you don’t have, why not see what she does! Be grateful that people in the world have that kind of talent or skill. That whatever she is doing, for her own company, for her audience, for her own team, that they’re lucky to have her.
Everyone has a role in their world and on their team. Maybe she’s got that talent down pat. That’s her contribution. What is yours? And if you’re not sure what it is yet, that’s ok. You’ll find it, the key is to not give up while looking and ask better questions. Instead of asking, “why don’t I have that?” try “How can I get that?”
Practice asking better questions.
“The grateful mind is constantly fixed upon the best. Therefore, it tends to become the best; it takes the form or character of the best and will receive the best.” The Science of Getting Rich.
Gratitude for everything is the gateway to abundance of everything. Especially gratitude for people who have what you desire. This isn’t an envy thing, it’s a realization of hey look, she has this and that, she’s doing this thing and that thing. I guess if I made the decision to be successful, all I would need to do is use the methods she’s using and I could find success too.
Whatever you see in someone else as a strength is something that you desire to have too. It’s not some random skill that you suddenly must have. I’ve never looked at someone sky diving and thought “ohhhh yeah, I need to do that.” If someone is enjoying success doing something you want, doesn’t it make sense to duplicate (not copy) what they’re doing?
Stretching who you are is your purpose – it’s not sitting behind our computer thinking Little Miss Perfect is so much better than you are. Because she’s not. Maybe she’s just been doing this longer, and let’s face it, she made the decision to go for it so that’s what she’s doing. It’s really that simple and is it healthy to envy her and beat the crap out of you because of it?
That’s a hard no.